The Relationship Conundrum

 My cousin recently asked me why I did not have a boyfriend, I wanted to give her a full explanation on why Jamie in her class who has a boyfriend isn't really in a relationship and how complicated relationships really are, but apparently she was not ready to hear that and was quick to tell me I should try internet dating. Please how does my ten-year-old cousin know about internet dating! Well that's a story for another day! How are you guys doing, so sorry I have been MIA, this year got me feeling some type of way but I promise this kind of long hiatus will not repeat itself.

I am kind of a relationship whisperer (your headache if you don't believe me), I give excellent advice- shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to- and as this is the season to share, I decided to help you all with this conundrum. For example, look at this dialogue between Dami and I.

Seunla: Don't you just love the single life, but this cold though, be making me feel some kind of way.

Dami: Well, I won't know I am not really single

Seunla: Err

Dami: Like I am not dating anyone, but what does it mean to be in a relationship?

S: Well I'm the definition of being single. I thought it meant people labeling themselves boyfriend or girlfriend. But you confuse me with that question.

So she decided to explain in larger detail! She came up with the title, isn't she smart!

                                                                                                   

The relationship Conundrum

“I just find it hard to understand why you don’t have a boyfriend, because pretty girls just don’t walk around single…”

 

About a week ago (stop and do the shmoney), I was chatting with a guy I recently met and he was telling me about his exes and how they cheated on him/ did him dirty or whatever, and then he asked me for my “story”. You see, I had told him earlier that I didn’t have a boyfriend and so he wanted to know what it was that had happened in my previous relationship(s) that had made me decide to just stay single. I didn’t have any big heartbreak story to justify or explain why I wasn’t in a relationship. I guess my reason can just be summarised as “I just need time for myself right now.” It may be a cliché response, but hear me out. I am a very selfish young girl/lady/woman. I think about myself first always, because nobody is thinking about me first. I like my company and space and I get tired of people quickly. I hardly miss people, if I haven’t seen you in some time, it would be a while before I start to feel your absence. I don’t like to “just check up on” people and I am a strong believer in “why would I call you if I don’t need something?” I mean, what’s the point of wasting precious seconds on the phone (yes, those calls usually last a few seconds before we both are quiet because there’s actually nothing to say) and airtime just to have an awkward conversation? I hate awkward situations and my policy is: if you don’t like how it feels, you don’t have to do it.

Those are a few of the things I think people in relationships do, I may be wrong because I really don’t know what being in a relationship is like. The way I see it, people in relationships are usually co-dependent and I’m pretty much not about that life. I like being alone and only thinking of myself and cooking for just one person. I don’t like sharing my space, I like sleeping in my bed by myself (my student bed is quite small), I like going to see a movie by myself, going shopping alone, I don’t like phone calls and I have this weird thing where I don’t like it when a person “cares” too much about me (I don’t get what that’s about). This is why I say I need time for myself; I’m not ready to be co-dependent because I’m still learning and trying to know and be myself.

I haven’t found someone I like so much that I’m ready to give up these things for; a person who I don’t mind sharing my bed with or eating from the same dish with, someone I can call to come pick me from the airport (because I spent all my cash paying for excess luggage and the ATMs aren’t working.) A friend once told me that most people just go into relationships in a rush, never taking time to actually know the other person, what they like, their opinions and outlook to life, the way they think, their temperament and all that. Most people just see a person and like them just because they are pretty or have a nice smile and then they “ask them out”. I once came across one of those Tumblr sayings and it just summarises my thoughts on relationships:

“The best advice I’ve ever gotten was that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone I wouldn’t marry, for it’s a waste of time and takes you off the market. So don’t worry about relationships, build friendships, and one day maybe you’ll suddenly meet your soul mate, or you’ll realise you want to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. Your young life shouldn’t be spent trying to fall in love or even having to worry about a partner. Your life right now should be filled with spending time on finding yourself and building friendships.”

So now I want to understand what being in a relationship means to you? What do you think is the difference between being single and being in a relationship and how does being in a relationship benefit a person? In terms of function, what’s the difference between a relationship and a friendship? Is being in a relationship just about sex or is there more to it? Do you think relationships have to lead to marriage?

Now my turn.

I agree with her mostly, which is why I think we are friends; we've been friends for ten years-longer than most marriages! I am selfish not as much as Dammie (love you) but to a certain degree. Let me explain, most people think I don't know how to cook simply because I don't invite them over to eat but they find out I am quite a good cook when they are privileged to eat my food! On the other hand, my roommate loves entertaining; she loves cooking for people that's her while me I'll rather cook for two or three people. I also have a strong personal space radii, yes we can cuddle but when I want to sleep please do not touch me, I can't stand breath on my skin. I also love being emotionally independent; I am not dating you because I'm bored or lonely it’s because I want you. A relationship should be an extension of friendship, not saying you have to be friends first but it must have that as its base. There's this couple I found on man repeller that I absolutely love and the reason I do, you can see that they genuinely like each other, they are friends. I don't think all relationships have to lead to marriage but I think you should date someone you can be able to give a logical reason why you dated that human. For example, I remember a guy I almost dated when I was 14, as I was going over the pros and cons (I'm very introspective) I decided he won't be an ex I would be proud of, like when I'm 27 I would say to myself, "I can't believe you dated that guy what were you thinking," so that was that. So my friends find yourself, be selfish, achieve all you can and if you need a cuddle during the cold winter nights get a teddy (like my friend said that's why God gave us the blankets), and most importantly do YOU!

Hope you loved our collaboration. As Casey Kasem used to say, "Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the star!"

Happy Holidays,

Damilola and Seunla

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